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Info - Relationships

Help on relationships affected by bladder infections, cystitis, and UTIs...

Cystitis can be tough on relationships.Especially if the relationship is one in which a regular sex life is important. But it's similar to the way you tell a true friend from a casual friend - a true friend is always there to support you, will come when you need him/her, and will never be angry at you for being ill, gives what you need without another thought about giving, and puts you first, always.

Take the test below. Score one point for each one you can positively answer yes. This assumes your partner is male, but of course it works for either.

• When you are suffering an attack, is he there with you to help, comfort, and support you? Yes/No
• Does he still try to make you happy, even when you can't have sex? Yes/No
• Does he understand what you are going through, and act kindly? Yes/No
• Does he try to help you by doing research, finding therapies, bringing you food and drinks? Yes/No
• Does he take over your chores, insisting that you relax and stay warm? Yes/No
• Is he still your best friend even when he can't have everything he wants? Yes/No

If your partner does not score at least 4 out of 6, it's time you had some gentle words.

To make things better...

When your partner understands the pain and misery of cystitis, he/she is more likely to be understanding, so get your partner to do some research on your behalf. The way the way your partner can stop feeling helpless is to start getting involved.

"Darling, could you help me a bit on this. Find out for me:

• what causes cystitis,
• how sore it is likely to get,
• how long it will last,
• what dangers are involved,
• how it can be avoided, and
• what is the best way to treat it."

Here are some tips on making relationships work from, Herbert G. Lingren, Extension Family Scientist

Communication Rules for Effective Problem-Solving - Herbert G. Lingren

"When people try to become "open" in their communication with one another, they must agree to a set of rules so their discussion doesn't deteriorate into an argument or conflict. Here are some rules to consider.

• Be specific when you introduce a gripe or complaint.
  
  
• Don't just complain, no matter how specifically; ask for a reasonable change that will relieve the gripe.
• Ask for and give feedback to the major points, to make sure you are heard, to assure your receiver that you understand what he/she wants.
  
  
• Confine yourself to one issue at a time. Otherwise you may skip back and forth, evading the hard ones.
  
  
• Do not be glib or intolerant. Be open to your own feelings, and equally open to your receiver.
  
  
• Always consider compromise. Remember, your receiver's view of reality may be just as real as yours, even though you may differ. There are not many totally objective realities.
  
  
• Do not allow counter-demands to enter the picture until the original demands are clearly understood, and there has been clear-cut response to them.
  
  
• Never assume that you know what your receiver is thinking until you have checked out the assumption in plain language; nor assume or predict how he/she will react, what he/she will accept or reject. Crystal-ball gazing is not for communicating.
  
  
• Don't mind-read! Ask! Do not correct a receiver's statement of his/her own feelings. Do not tell a receiver what he/she should know or do or feel.
  
  
• Never put labels on receiver. Call him/her neither a coward, nor a neurotic, nor a child. If you really believed that he/she was incompetent or suffered from some hopeless basic flaw, you probably would not be working together very long. Do not make sweeping, labeling judgments about his/her feelings, especially about whether or not they are real or important.
  
  
• Sarcasm is dirty fighting. Never, never engage in sarcasm if you want to be friends afterward.
  
  
• Forget the past and stay with the here-and-now. What either of you did last year or last month or that morning is not as important as what you are doing and feeling now. And the changes you ask cannot possibly be retroactive. Hurts, grievances and irritations should be brought up at the very earliest moment, or the receiver has the right to suspect that they may have been saved carefully as weapons.
  
  
• Do not overload your receiver with grievances. To do so makes him/her feel hopeless and suggests that you have either been hoarding complaints or have not thought through what really troubles you.
  
  
• Meditate. Take time to consult your real thoughts and feelings before speaking. Your surface reactions may make something deeper and more important. Don't be afraid to close your eyes and think.
  
  
• There is never a single winner in a discussion. Both of you either win more understanding, or lose it. "

Moving on...

Generally, it's not always easy to be friendly and cheerful when you are suffering, whatever is causing the suffering. But there are two sides to every relationship, so remember that your partner has feelings too. Keep that temper to yourself. It's all too easy to blame your partner for everything that goes wrong, but he/she may be wrangling with incredible guilt if sex is one of your infection triggers. It can leave a man feeling helpless when there's not a lot he can do to make you feel better.

So it's a matter of working as a team to try to beat the problem. If your partner will work with you, then that's worth some brownie points. If your partner insists on sex when you are suffering, persists in unhygienic practices, and complains at the fact that you are unwell, that's quite another thing. Why are you with that person?

But to lighten up... A phone call:

John: What type of card would you like to pay with?

Customer: What type of carrot? Why would I be paying with a carrot?

And finally some inspiration, jointly written by John and Anna: (Don't you hate it when someone says, "Keep your chin up?)

Always keep your spirits up,
Never let your heart go low.
You have a massive inner strength
With all you are, and all you know.
Your life is what you make of it,
And you can make it good and great.
Each second is another chance
to take control of your own fate.
Shrink all your hurts and let them go
They’ve done their work and made you tough
For life is short, and at the end,
It won’t be nearly long enough.
So find a way to still the noise
That troubles your amazing soul,
And make the best of here and now
And every second you control
Yours is the power of the minute,
Even on the darkest night
You have the strength to carry on
To meet the day and win the fight

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